Sit Down Bonnie

I'd like to thank Roy Williams for putting CBS sideline reporter Bonnie Bertstein in her place last night after Bernstein bombarded Williams with questions about the job vacancy at North Carolina. When asked if he would accept the position if North Carolina offered it to him, Williams replied "I could give a shit about North Carolina right now." Bernstein would have been fine if she would have stopped after her initial North Carolina question, but after Williams declined to answer she continued to press the Kansas coach. On a sidenote, if Williams does end up at North Carolina, the Duke-North Carolina rivalry will come to the forefront again as the most heated rivalry in all of sports.

Our Ignorant and Bigoted Representative

Republican state representative Arlon Lindner sat in front of an ethics committee yesterday that will decide his punishment after he made comments suggesting that the persecution of gays and lesbians during the holocaust has been greatly exaggerated. Lindner also claims that by passing his bill which takes civil rights protections away from homosexuals we will prevent the United States from becoming "another African continent." The best part of the hearing came while an 82-year old Edina woman was testifying on behalf of those wishing to censure Lindner. Hinda Kibort, a holocaust survivor, told Lindner's attorney that if his client "denies a part of what happened, he denies the holocaust." Lindner's attorney responded by saying, "anyone who denies the holocaust would have to be ignorant or a bigot," to which Kibort responded by saying, "I feel he is both."

That Is Why They Play The Games

Just about everyone I talked to before last night's NCAA men's basketball championship game told me they thought Kansas would beat Syracuse rather easily. Everything did seem to be in Kansas' favor. They had senior leadership compared to the Orangmen who started three freshmen. They're players were well rested compared to the Orangemen after a 30 point rout over Marquette in the semifinals. Many people also thought that Kansas would never allow Syracuse to get into their halfcourt zone defense due to the Jayhawks fast break. And finally, Syracuse's Carmelo Anthony was not at 100 percent due to a back injury. All of those theories were thrown out of the window in the first ten minutes of the game, when Syracuse came out on fire, while Kansas looked tentative to take outside jump shots.

Your Bank's Conspiracy

Is your bank constantly pressuring you to enroll in a direct deposit program? Many of you probably already have your paychecks directly deposited into your checking or savings accounts, and this is a major conspiracy on the part of banks today. By taking part in direct depositing, it forces you to use your ATM card to obtain cash. And as you know, banks have gone crazy with implementing fees anywhere from two to four dollars each time you use an ATM that isn't one of their machines. Don't fall into the trap! Don't use direct deposit!

Twins Fall Flat On Their Faces

Maybe the forces of a higher power were displeased with the not guilty verdict in the Kirby Puckett case and decided to take it out on the Twins bats this weekend. The mighty Twins were destroyed by the mediocre Toronto Blue Jays in a three game series at Metrodome this weekend. Lets just hope the Blue Jays didn't bring the SARS virus with them to Minneapolis to boot.

The Vikings 6-Step Recovery Program

Everybody has heard of the famous 12-step recovery program. These programs promise to take you from the bare bottom and resurrect you back to the top of the world.

The Vikings haven't quite reached the bottom of the world yet, (insert favorite Bengals or Lions joke here) so all they need is a slimmed down 6-step recovery program in order to return to the promise land.

1. If Mike Tice can somehow get the secondary to look as sharp as that pencil behind his ear, the Vikings would take a huge step in the right direction. It's been at least a decade since the Vikings have had an average secondary, let alone one that can change the outcome of a game. What ever happened to Carl Lee anyways?

2. Time Management For Dummies. If the publisher of this series of books hasn't come out with this one yet they should reconsider. Vikings fans would buy them by the dozens, gift wrap them and deliver them to Tice's doorstep on Christmas.

3. Introduce Red McCombs to the classified ads. NFL teams these days have a coach for everything. Last year Mike Tice made it abundantly clear that the Vikings need to hire a "challenge coach." This coach would be responsible for telling Tice when to throw out the red flag and when not too. Simple enough isn't it?

4. Find a number two receiver. The purple desperately needs someone to line up across the field from Randy Moss. Last year Derrick Alexander had Viking fans longing for the days of Leo Lewis and Jim Gustafson.

5. Get Hovan some friends. If the Vikings don't find someone else to assist Chris Hovan with the pass rush, Hovan's fiery red hair is likely to catch on fire this season. The kid works his butt off, but opponents can afford to triple team him due to the respect they have for the rest of our defensive line.

6. Keep Culpepper healthy. Despite two lackluster seasons in a row, number 11 is this team's future. If for any reason the name "Gus" is uttered over the public address system this season, it will be the sign that the Vikings will be watching the playoffs from their respective homes this winter.

Kirby Found Not Guilty

O.J. Simpson, Ray Lewis and Kirby Puckett? So maybe those three aren't quite in the same boat, but all three have now been found not guilty in their very public days in court. Puckett was accused of dragging a 34-year old woman into a Redstone bathroom and grabbing her breast, but was found not guilty by a jury of his peers this afternoon. Puckett also recently went through a messy divorce that included allegations of abuse in what has become a public relations nightmare for the former baseball legend.

Broom Time Already?

The Minnesota Twins completed a three game sweep over the Detriot Tigers this afternoon behind yet another strong starting pitching performance. This time it was Kyle Lohse who threw only 92 pitches in eight innings of work while allowing no runs and only two hits. The Twins have to be happy with their 3-0 start considering that the bats still have some rust on them. Torii Hunter and Doug Mientkiewicz hit an identical .167 (2-12) in the series. Corey Koskie appears to be just fine (.571, 4-7) after sitting out the season opener. One key to the Twins possible postseason success this year could be putting less stress on their bullpen during the regular season. Last year the bullpen appeared to be wearing down as the playoffs approached as pitchers like Eddie Guardado, J.C. Romero, Mike Jackson and LaTroy Hawkins didn't appear quite as sharp as they had during the regular season.

Get Over Yourself MTV!

I recently found out that MTV completely edited the last episode of Real World and Road Rules Battle Of The Sexes. This week's challenge was a game of laser tag between the men and women's team's. Due to the war overseas, MTV decided that it didn't want to show any footage of players shooting each other with the laser guns. Give me a break! It's laser tag! If MTV is so worried about people's mental health, they should stop showing so many skinny anorexic girls with fake boobs on its Spring Break shows.

You Know What I Hate?

People who insist on putting "I'm a proud parent of an honor roll student" on the bumpers of their cars. I was an honor roll student too along with half my graduating class, I didn't feel the need to plaster it all over the side of my parents car.

Quick Political Scholastic Aptitude Test (QPSAT)

This test consists of one multiple-choice question: Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II:

China 1945-46, Korea 1950-53, China 1950-53, Guatemala 1954, Indonesia 1958, Cuba 1959-60, Guatemala 1960, Congo 1964, Peru 1965, Laos 1964-73, Vietnam 1961-73, Cambodia 1969-70, Guatemala 1967-69, Grenada 1983, Libya 1986, El Salvador 1980s, Nicaragua 1980s, Panama 1989, Iraq 1991-2002, Sudan 1998, Afghanistan 1998, Yugoslavia 1999, Afghanistan 2001.

In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result?

Choose one of the following:
(a) 0
(b) zero
(c) none
(d) not a one
(e) a whole number between -1 and +1

Jeter Who?

The night Derek Jeter seperated his shoulder I heard a radio commentator on ESPN radio say that this might be an omen for the New York Yankees season. I've got ten words for you: Giambi, Soriano, Williams, Ventura, Mondesi, Pettite, Clemens, Weaver, Wells, Mussina. The Yankees aren't going to miss Derek Jeter and his .297 batting average. The Yankees could lose two more all-stars to injuries for the entire season and still be favored to win their division.

B.A.D. Decisions

The University of North Carolina one upped UCLA yesterday by firing head basketball coach Matt Doherty after just three seasons. Doherty and the Tar Heels failed to qualify for the NCAA tournament this season despite the fact that they fielded one of the youngest and most promising teams in the nation this year. But just like at UCLA, the athletic department at North Carolina got antsy due to high expectations left behind by a legendary coach, and turned the lights out on Doherty's tenure. Doherty deserved at least one more year to see what he could do with talented youngsters like Rashad McCants, Ray Felton and Sean May. The Tar Heels even defeated their arch rival Duke for the first time in four years and posted a 19-16 record while playing one of the toughest schedules in the country. Doherty leaves with a mark of 53-43 at North Carolina. Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski it should be noted posted a much worse mark in his first three years at Duke (38-47).

5-Year Anniversary

March 28th marked the five year anniversary of when my alma mater, Gustavus Adolphus College, was virtually destroyed by a tornado. I was a sophomore at the time and luckily the student body was on spring break. There was, however, one fatality as a five year old boy was thrown from a car during the storm. Every building on campus sustained major damage as 90% of the glass on campus was broken out and almost every tree was uprooted. By virtue of an amazing volunteer clean up effort, students returned to school three weeks later.

War and Games

As Major League Baseball started yet another season, I heard several media outlets bring up the debate of whether or not we should be playing MLB games during a time of crisis with the war in Iraq. This notion is becoming extremely ridiculous. The NCAA balked at cancelling its collegiate basketball tournament and the Minnesota State High School League even pondered cancelling the high school state boys basketball tournament. While war is serious business and much attention should be given to it by all American citizens, it doesn't mean we should shut down every form of entertainment in our country. Life must go on. I used to think it was a nice guesture for organizations like MLB and the NCAA to consider cancelling events during something like a war, but now i just find it annoying. It's basically become a phony public relations move so organizations can portray to the public that they don't think their games are on the same level as a war. If you can believe it, I already knew that!

Visability Up At Duluth Bowling Alleys

The city of Duluth will force bowling alleys and pool halls to go smoke free tonight at midnight in the final phase of a public smoking ban that city residents voted for more than two years ago. Eden Prarie tried to pass a similar bill, but many large businesses threatened to leave the city if such a bill was passed. As comedian Dennis Leary said: "What's the rule now? You can only smoke in your house, under a blanket with the lights turned off?" I wish.

Free Speech?

In the past week NBC has fired journalist Peter Arnett for giving an Iraqi television station an interview and now the Pentagon wants Geraldo Rivera shipped out of the middle east because it's rumored he leaked information about the 101st airborne division. Does anybody else find it ironic that we're clamping down on our journalist's free speech when one of the reasons we claim we're "liberating" Iraq in the first place is because the Iraqi people don't have liberties like free speech.

The Worst $65 Ever Spent

An Iowa casino has announced that former knee basher and figure skater turned boxer Tonya Harding will fight another Iowa woman sometime in May. Tickets will be sold for $35 to $65 dollars. This week's assignment kids is to think of as many ways to spend $65 that would make more sense than if you spent it watching Tanya Harding box.